Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his co rn?
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the wo rld?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
Q: What do people do in a clock facto ry?
A: They make faces all day.
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any mo re, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm so rry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
The mean man's party.
The noto rious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doo rbell with your elbow. When the doo r open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
Advice fo r "Kid"
A bit of advice fo r those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, o r 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted o r loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
most in the wo rld just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
The docto r lives downstairs
"Docto r," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the docto r lives downstairs."
One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfo rtunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r
Sho rtly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "Fo r Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g fo r help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was sno ring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congreg
ation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the sno rer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."
Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones fo r it."
THE SCHOOL HEALTH Fo rMS had been distributed to the students with an erro r---the wo rd "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the fo rm fo r her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, fo r she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"
在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位MM每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位MM看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？”
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried o r threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the doo r.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
A Smart Housewife.
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
Only cash and credit cards
When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged fo r
a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people.
" Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought fo r a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local docto r is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Docto r?
" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the docto r delivers the child and holds it up fo r the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Befo re Mike can finish the Docto r interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the docto r delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Docto r cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Docto r delivers a third child. The docto r
holds up the baby fo r Mike's inspection.
"Docto r," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
The poo r husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is fo r me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me fo r half an hour why my answer is wrong.
I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conducto r noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
|[ 1 ]